Tonsilectomy and Adnoidectomy

Carson has been down for the count since Monday morning. This is hard for me. My usually beyond energetic 3-yr-old is sitting on the couch and all he wants to do is watch TV. He was so brave and I was so proud of him at the surgical center in Watertown, SD. A new teddy bear was given to him by us and he named the bear "Huntley" for the dachsund in Curious George shows.

This has given me time to organize more of the house we are renting and put away Christmas stuff. I am still not accomplishing all that I'd like, but I feel good in what is done anyway.

We are planning a quiet week. Carissa was fortunate to visit her dear friend Jaedyn in Willmar since Sunday evening. She will return today and go later on to friend Paige's for a sleepover tonight. I am thankful she has made and kept friends! On Friday, her best friend Addi will come visit us in Madison from Willmar.

I wanted to show you a new online scrapbooking tool I have found to love!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Merry Christmas to Family in NC!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Three-Year-Old Perspective

I have been touched to the innermost part of my being tonight. As I was lying beside Carson, settling him in for a long-winter's nap, he said he wanted to pray for me. Nothing can touch the mom's soul as her child wanting to pray for her. It was so heartfelt, too. He asked for me to stay "helfy" and to grow "big and strong." Then he said he loved me so much and said "I'm done."

After a few minutes of necessary snuggling, he said, "I want to build you a special present." I said, "Oh yeah? What would you like to get me?" His reply was, "A big strong table I will make for you." How intricate and detailed his small thoughts are already. I love that personality coming out of his toddler head.

First Piano Recital

Carissa was all excited for her first piano recital. She memorized her piece, Up on the Housetop, and looked lovely in her silver sparkly skirt and red shirt with black flowers. The recital was held at MMN Elementary in the old band room, which has nice acoustics.

Grandma came with Carson after school and we went to sit down. Carson was in rare form and he was pointing his fingers at all of Carissa's friends and saying "bzzzz." I was concerned. The first few pieces were done and Carissa's performance came up. She was ready and very poised. Suddenly, her brother decided run and sit down to play along with her.

I knew I would REALLY ruin the moment if I went up to grab him, as he would react loudly. Carissa kept right on playing quite well, despite the obvious distraction. Her piano teacher went up to him and asked him to sit, and she was able to do a repeat...flawless performance.

Being a mother can be mortifying. Other mothers understand when you are in such life dilemmas and moments pass quickly. However, I am hoping Carissa recovers from her first recital nightmare.

Seasons

As the fall leaves are off the trees and we have made sure the gutters are cleaned out, my soul is saddened. I love autumn and the crisp air with hints of fire burning. Only problem is, next comes winter. Winter (to me) is cold inside and out. I need wool sweaters and fireplaces to keep me cozy. I want hot drinks and soup! Winter (to me) is ominous and I can't wait for Spring's arrival...it never comes in Minnesota fast enough.

Perhaps this is similar to my soul...it has been in winter since Dan passed away. I continually feel sad that he is not around to tell us stories and build relationships with my children. Daily there seems to be reminders that he is not with us anymore on earth. Yesterday my mother -in-law developed pictures from her camera. The last picture she took of Dan was developed from her camera. It was a snapshot of him holding Carson; they were enveloped in an embrace with their heads touching. Tears flowed steadily for me all day yesterday and even as I write this.

Life's seasons are much the same as the earth's seasons. I long for spring again in my soul. I cry out to God to help me know the joy I once had. There have been so many changes for us as a family in such a short time. Most of it was not our desire...it was what God ordained. This is where my faith can get messy. I want to know the wisdom of God's allowance for all of these changes. Faith requires trust and I need to release those questions and believe God will bring spring again to my soul.

All Saints Day

November 1st is called 'All Saints Day.' In Madison, MN, it is a time to honor those who have passed away. They intentionally HONOR. It began with my mother-in-law receiving a letter saying there would be a special service at Faith Lutheran to honor Dan and others who passed away this past year.

On Sunday night, I accompanied my mother-in-law to a separate dinner for supporting those who will be going into the Thanksgiving/Christmas season without a loved one for the first time sponsored by the funeral home staff. Candles were lit and fragrant of mulled cider, soft lights and holly berries adorned the tables. A lovely reception dinner with salad, ham, potatoes, carrots and a homemade dinner roll were served. Following was a beautiful program with pastors from around the area providing support, prayer, meditation, and singing. At the end, each person in attendance was given a candle while the name of the loved one was announced. Tears flowed steadily.

Sometimes I find life to be so unfair, which its supposed to be! I don't like to mourn. Its embarrassing. Its humbling. Grief is a necessary evil and only those who experience it know its confusion of emotions.

My grief is hard to describe. I miss that I no longer have any earthly fathers to depend upon. I miss that my children will not have grandfathers to make them feel loved and special. Oh yes, their grandmothers are amazing...but not the same as grandpas! It irritates me at times to see those who have fathers and grandpas taking them for granted! I did the same thing! How did I know they would both be gone from my life before I reached 40 years old?

Wrap Scripture around me like a blanket. Help me to understand that, as the psalmist wrote, "joy comes in the morning." I don't know when I will fully feel that again but I look forward to it!

Celebrating Halloween

I am wrestling with Carissa's desire to be a witch for Halloween. She loves to pretend and is so fascinated with magic. As a Christian, I find it somewhat controversial to let her be a witch for Halloween. As a teacher, I understand that children have a healthier understanding of fantasy than most of us adults. I get stuck in the middle here. Prayer gave me peace. Reading the Bible gave me understanding. When I teach Carissa to think critically, she will be able to determine what she would like to do.

Carissa decided she will be a witch for Halloween and we discussed that she is to be a "good" witch, like Glenda in The Wizard of Oz. Some of my friends understand this concept and others do not. Since I am a people pleaser, this bothers me. I am also a strong-willed person, so I am pleased that I am not "following the crowd." Ultimately, this is a small problem in eternity's perspective. I want to be a God-pleaser and I believe that living "in" the world but not "of" the world.

As a parent, there are many decisions that bring the element of gray. I like to be black and white. I don't like relativism. This is so challenging! Parenthood...

Reality Sets In

Okay, so its true. The honeymoon is over and I miss knowing people I trust and having coffee at the Willmar spots.

Barry and I just returned from a weekend in Arkansas when we road tripped with his mom, brother, his wife for a funeral. Barry's uncle is now gone and the two seemingly "healthiest" Besonen boys are not with us. The best part of the weekend was seeing family, the sun, rolling hills full of autumn color.

Compounded to my blues is the fact that I am still not getting a rhythm of a schedule down and still need to organize the house. I am not wise with my time and get overwhelmed easily. I had to tell my principal I couldn't take on an after-school program due to our crazy family schedule.

Moving here was supposed to simplify, but life is still complicated. I just want to enjoy life, celebrate my family and instill in them the values I cherish. My faith needs to increase once again and I need to spend time in God's word. FOCUS, FOCUS!

Barry's cousins wanted to get a "prescription" for getting through the grieving process. I don't think there is such a thing. Everyone goes through grief as an individual and what causes "relapses" of tears is different for each person. The soul is a delicate part of what God placed in us and it is as individual to us as our personality. That is not comforting when we live in a "wanting answers" type of world.

Life in a Small Town

Here is our first video taken with our web cam. It is a bit "raw" but it captures the essence of our new beginning here.

Small town life can be both wonderful and frustrating at the same time. I was able to get the local bakery to make my cut-out sugar cookies for me in the shape of a train, but had to be stared at while going into the bakery by onlookers realizing I am not a familiar face in town. This is often what happens, or else people will look at me and then talk to whom they are with (they know who I am, while I have no clue about them). Its hard not be too paranoid, but I am grateful that I have birthday cookies from the bakery that we will decorate at home like Thomas the Tank Engine.

Part-Time Pays Off!

There have been incredible changes since I last blogged here. My husband lost his dad suddenly...we sold our house in Willmar...we rented a 3000 sq foot "vacation home"...I got a 1/2 time teaching position in my husband's hometown. Where does that leave our family?

Well, we moved to Madison, MN on August 29, 2009. Madison is a town of 1600 residents 15 miles east of the South Dakota border. It is the prairie in the fullest sense. The school district generates electicity and income from a wind turbine. We are renting a smaller home than the one we sold with shag 70s orange carpet and decor.

My husband is still commuting this year...even further, from 60 miles to 90 miles one way. His job was cut to a .7 and so he works a 4-day week and stays one night with friends during the week. He has realized I am a better wife with fewer things on my plate and it is demonstrated in our entire family life.

I work as a 1/2 time second grade teacher from 12:30-3:30 daily. I teach math, science, and handwriting. There are 16 students in my class and I LOVE being back in the mainstream after some difficult years in special education.

My daughter, Carissa, is a 2nd grader and I get to teach her for science. She is doing well with the move although she misses the many good friends she made in Willmar. I love that she gets to join a garden club and participate in things only small towns can offer.

Life in general has slowed down for us, which I needed. Sometimes I think I was made for a different time period in history...stuck in the fast-paced, information processing mess!

We attend a small country church with lots of children and we even have a young adult sunday school class! It is a pleasure to start over...even if it is difficult. Change is great for our family at this point.

Carson will be 3 years old in a few days and he LOVES seeing his grandma, who watches him while I work.

God is faithful and while His timing is never what I'D like it to be, it is always the right plan.

Missing My Dad

I just started reading The Shack this week. When I think about "the great sadness" talked about in the book, I identify with losing my dad. He had to die a senseless death that wasn't fair. He had multiple sclerosis and the muscles of his tongue were the final straw of his life because he didn't want to be kept alive by tubes. Each time I look at my son I am amazed at how much I see of my dad in him. Mostly in appearance and not personality...he has a certain twinkle that sparks a tear each time as I remember my dad's gleam. How I wish that my son could know his grandpa George. I am comforted only in the fact that perhaps Grandpa George is able to get to know Carson from heaven's vantage point. While I don't know this for truth, I know at least he will one day get to meet the grandson he never got to meet.

The Wonder of the Bubble Bath

Okay, so today was a bitterly cold -15 with wind chill of -40. My husband and daughter left for basketball practice and it left time for me with my son. Being it was a lazy Saturday with nothing to do but laundry, cleaning, and other purposeful household duties and my boy was playing oh so peacefully...I escaped to the bathtub.

It was the most amazing 30 minutes I could have had this past week. With school district woes on my mind and lots of paperwork looming with deadlines to meet, I have become immersed in the feeling of being overwhelmed. I seem to be at this place quite frequently and it isn't pleasant to those I love, including myself.

Thinking about the last time I took the time to sit in the tub...I can't remember the last relaxing bath I had. In fact, the last memorable tub time was when I experienced hives and "had" to take an oatmeal bath to calm down my itchy uncomfortable skin. Today was extraordinary. Thank You, God! I don't stop enough to thank the One who has given me to simplest of pleasures to delight myself in.

I had a pity party week and it couldn't have corroborated more with the winter blues and dropping temps, plus the lack of daylight. Thankfully, I had some time doing my "Believing God" Beth Moore Bible study to reflect on the Godstops in my life. He is never far from me and I am so thankful for the way He has touched my life directly by encounters with others. Some are mere strangers who have given me a listening ear with no conditions placed on me. Others include my amazing husband who is not known for the man I know him to be by others, my family, and dear friends who spring up in my life like gorgeous flowers. All from a 30 minute soak in the tub!!!!!

SaturaSaturdays

I look so forward to the weekend until it gets here. Laundry, cleaning, everything I didn' t get to while working and running to and fro confront me HEAD ON. On top of that, it seems as though I just can't make myself get going in the morning and desire a leisurely cup of java to get me going. Selfish?!?! I feel very. Irresponsible? Most definitely. Stricken with guilt? WHY?!?!