As the fall leaves are off the trees and we have made sure the gutters are cleaned out, my soul is saddened. I love autumn and the crisp air with hints of fire burning. Only problem is, next comes winter. Winter (to me) is cold inside and out. I need wool sweaters and fireplaces to keep me cozy. I want hot drinks and soup! Winter (to me) is ominous and I can't wait for Spring's arrival...it never comes in Minnesota fast enough.
Perhaps this is similar to my soul...it has been in winter since Dan passed away. I continually feel sad that he is not around to tell us stories and build relationships with my children. Daily there seems to be reminders that he is not with us anymore on earth. Yesterday my mother -in-law developed pictures from her camera. The last picture she took of Dan was developed from her camera. It was a snapshot of him holding Carson; they were enveloped in an embrace with their heads touching. Tears flowed steadily for me all day yesterday and even as I write this.
Life's seasons are much the same as the earth's seasons. I long for spring again in my soul. I cry out to God to help me know the joy I once had. There have been so many changes for us as a family in such a short time. Most of it was not our desire...it was what God ordained. This is where my faith can get messy. I want to know the wisdom of God's allowance for all of these changes. Faith requires trust and I need to release those questions and believe God will bring spring again to my soul.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
All Saints Day
November 1st is called 'All Saints Day.' In Madison, MN, it is a time to honor those who have passed away. They intentionally HONOR. It began with my mother-in-law receiving a letter saying there would be a special service at Faith Lutheran to honor Dan and others who passed away this past year.
On Sunday night, I accompanied my mother-in-law to a separate dinner for supporting those who will be going into the Thanksgiving/Christmas season without a loved one for the first time sponsored by the funeral home staff. Candles were lit and fragrant of mulled cider, soft lights and holly berries adorned the tables. A lovely reception dinner with salad, ham, potatoes, carrots and a homemade dinner roll were served. Following was a beautiful program with pastors from around the area providing support, prayer, meditation, and singing. At the end, each person in attendance was given a candle while the name of the loved one was announced. Tears flowed steadily.
Sometimes I find life to be so unfair, which its supposed to be! I don't like to mourn. Its embarrassing. Its humbling. Grief is a necessary evil and only those who experience it know its confusion of emotions.
My grief is hard to describe. I miss that I no longer have any earthly fathers to depend upon. I miss that my children will not have grandfathers to make them feel loved and special. Oh yes, their grandmothers are amazing...but not the same as grandpas! It irritates me at times to see those who have fathers and grandpas taking them for granted! I did the same thing! How did I know they would both be gone from my life before I reached 40 years old?
Wrap Scripture around me like a blanket. Help me to understand that, as the psalmist wrote, "joy comes in the morning." I don't know when I will fully feel that again but I look forward to it!
On Sunday night, I accompanied my mother-in-law to a separate dinner for supporting those who will be going into the Thanksgiving/Christmas season without a loved one for the first time sponsored by the funeral home staff. Candles were lit and fragrant of mulled cider, soft lights and holly berries adorned the tables. A lovely reception dinner with salad, ham, potatoes, carrots and a homemade dinner roll were served. Following was a beautiful program with pastors from around the area providing support, prayer, meditation, and singing. At the end, each person in attendance was given a candle while the name of the loved one was announced. Tears flowed steadily.
Sometimes I find life to be so unfair, which its supposed to be! I don't like to mourn. Its embarrassing. Its humbling. Grief is a necessary evil and only those who experience it know its confusion of emotions.
My grief is hard to describe. I miss that I no longer have any earthly fathers to depend upon. I miss that my children will not have grandfathers to make them feel loved and special. Oh yes, their grandmothers are amazing...but not the same as grandpas! It irritates me at times to see those who have fathers and grandpas taking them for granted! I did the same thing! How did I know they would both be gone from my life before I reached 40 years old?
Wrap Scripture around me like a blanket. Help me to understand that, as the psalmist wrote, "joy comes in the morning." I don't know when I will fully feel that again but I look forward to it!
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